Mad Ava From Down Under

Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles.

The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be:'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.'

Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cell mate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through.

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either-- because I've got me a gun and I've been shooting' all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one"
So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.

I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled.
So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and the minute the big one, , opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs , right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know.

Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for Mayor.

No Bull

My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first
exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to
the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,' THIS
BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs and said, 'He mated
50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that
said,''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR.' < /FONT>

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than
twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that
said, in capital letters,'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST
YEAR'.

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs,
and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn
something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was
with the same cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I
should eventually make a full recovery.

Two Ways to Look at It

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink,
as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started
drinking right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife.
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.

Scottish Bar Stool

For men in kilts:

Joke: Putting Affairs in Order

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.'

The woman said, 'I don't want any of those witches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

That's Putting Your Affairs In Order