Reversal of Fate - Joke

The following Joke is brought to you by "Suffering Rancor" by Andy R. Bunch, illustrated by Corey Noel Pennington. Andy will be appearing this weekend at Norwescon. Drop by and join 3,000 fans of Sci-Fi and Fantasy. The nicest people on earth.


AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the blackBurberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in thegas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in twothreatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.)..

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

Winter Joke 2009

I like this one. Remember, "Suffering Rancor," by Andy R. Bunch is a great gift idea for the Fantasy Fan in your life.

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in
Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10
inches of snow today. You must park your car on the
even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get
through.

"So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the
radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of
snow today.

You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the
street, so the snowplows can get through. "The good wife
went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the
radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of
snow today. You must park ...." Then the electric power went
out …

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her
face she said, "I don't
know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park
on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all
men who are married exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't
you just leave the car in the garage this time."

Late Night Jokes

If you get the chance come down and join author Andy R. Bunch and Illustrator Corey Pennington at Dulce Gelato next to Esther Short Park downtown Vancouver. We'll be signing "Suffering Rancor" and listening to live music as we drink coffee and kibitz (whatever that means.) We've been having great turn outs at every signing and even if you have a signed book its a great way to blow off the steam of a hard week. Did I mention the great Italian Ice-cream and Dulce Belle Baristas? There will be something there to tantalize all your senses. Ooohwah!

Jay Leno:
● Congratulations to President Obama and first lady Michelle. They celebrated their 17th wedding anniversary this week. After their anniversary dinner President Obama took Michelle back to the White House for a romantic evening, which is the first time since he took office that he has been able to close the deal.

● David Letterman was a victim of extortion this week. I also had the same problem recently. A producer from “Dateline NBC” tried to blackmail me, but luckily no one watches NBC.

Conan O'Brien:
● This weekend, President Obama is going to speak to the nation’s largest gay rights group, and members of the group are upset that he hasn’t kept his campaign promises to them. However, the gay rights group says all will be forgiven if Obama makes the speech shirtless.

● The 2009 Nobel Prize in physics has been awarded to three scientists: a 79-year-old, a 75-year-old, and an 85-year-old. They received the award for successfully programming a VCR.

● A cruise ship is going to retrace the path of the Titanic and will feature the original food and activities Titanic passengers took part in. The activities include sinking and drowning.

Late Show Top Ten:

Top Ten Signs You're Dealing With A Bad Cryonic Preservation Company

10. It's called "Cryonics 'N Things"
9. Cold storage room is kept at 74 degrees
8. At Christmas party, you find grandpa's head chilling the eggnog
7. Motto: "If we don't bring you back to life . . . what are you going to do about it?"
6. "State-of-the-art freezer" is an Igloo cooler in backseat of owner's Hyundai
5. Every now and then, the body of Karl Malden wakes up and eats someone
4. From inside the storage pods, you hear faint cries for help
3. Rated last in "Cryonic Preservation Weekly"
2. For fun, technicians dress bodies to reenact this week's "Mad Men"
1. Representative answers all your questions with "Huh?"

● The Supreme Court is in session for the new year. It was Sonia Sotomayor’s first day. They did a little rookie hazing — Justice Roberts glued her gavel to the desk.

Late Late with Craig Furgeson:
● The group Kiss has a new album out. Some people have never seen an album, so I’ll explain: It’s a flat vinyl disc that goes on a record player, and a toucan on the side of the record player drops his beak into the groove, and everyone dances the jitterbug.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

● Former “American Idol” judge Paula Abdul was in the audience of “Dancing with the Stars” last night. She was there because she’s homeless.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

● President Obama gave a talk to members of the House and Senate today about options for the war in Afghanistan. The title of his speech was “Any ideas? Cause I’ve got nothing.”

● A new study says that the city with the smartest residents in the U.S. is Raleigh, N.C., followed by San Francisco, Boston, and Minneapolis. The study ranked America’s smartest from one to 55. Fresno, Calif., came in 55th. The mayor of Fresno was like "That's great, but who came in last?”

Joke: the Ministers Cat

Don't forget to buy your copy of "Suffering Rancor," now with more cats--just kidding.

The Minister's cat.

This particular story just made me laugh. Every time I think about it, the
vision of that poor cat just amuses me to no end. Hope the story leaves a
bright spot in your day.

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the Minister of his church.

He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid
to come down. The Minister coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would
not come down.

The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the Minister decided that if he
tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then
reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then
figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent
sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little
further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went 'bong!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out
of sight.

The Minister felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking
people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.

So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on
about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church
members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see
cat food.

This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are
you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?' She replied, 'You won't
believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her
for a cat, but she kept refusing.

Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told
her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.' She
told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees,
and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw
it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with
its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'


Lesson learned: Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense
of humor!

Kid On Pot--Book Signing

Were having a blast at Mugs Coffee today. Come on by and get your copy of "Suffering Rancor," signed by the author Andy R. Bunch and the illustrator Corey Pennington. There is also live music with Jordan Wirth, games, and all kinds of fun.






A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE.

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

For more info about the author, Andy R. Bunch go to http://bookeventcenter.ning.com/profile/AndyRBunch
or http://storiesbyandybunch.blogspot.com/

Dispute between Neighbors

This story is brought to you by "Suffering Rancor," by Andy Bunch. We'd love to see you come down to mugs today from 3pm to 10pm for our book signing. Enjoy.

Between Neighbors - and this is a true story...

A city councilman in Utah , Mark Easton, had a beautiful view of the east mountains, until a new neighbor purchased the lot below his house and built a new home.


The new home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances would allow, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the city to make sure they enforced the lower roof line ordinance.

The new neighbour had to drop the roof line, at great expense.

Recently, Mark Easton called the city, and informed them that his new neighbor had installed some vents on the side of his home....


Mark didn't like the look of these vents and asked the city to investigate.

When they went to Mark's home to see what the vents looked like, this is what they found...







The City Council said the vents can stay since there is no ordinances refering to shutter design.

Jokes by Tim Hawkins

Brought to you by "Suffering Rancor" by Andy Bunch. Come to Andy's books signing this Saturday the 29th anytime after 3pm and hang with the author. Also, you can view more art work by illustrator Corey Pennington. It's a party!

Success

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . .. . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is .. . . .having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . .. . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

Elderly Drivers

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection..

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

It's Time for Another Bad Joke

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant.. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Walking, Exercise and Age

Importance of Walking



Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.

Greeting Cards That didn't Make It

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

' What the Hell was I thinking?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....

That you're not here to ruin it for me.
####################################################
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

********************************************************************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Arkansas , Kentucky & West Virginia , Mississippi , Florida ))

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.
==================================== =================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay

Here's a classic from the Vaults

Poor old Spot!!!!

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.


The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.


Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high." He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."


She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison." He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK. So - Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.


Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.


The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.


After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 & Mexican dominoes.


About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear. She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died." Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.


The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."


Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs & the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema,and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."


They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!!!

Joke: Putting Affairs in Order

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.'

The woman said, 'I don't want any of those witches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

That's Putting Your Affairs In Order

be careful what you wish for

Baseball Joke

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first
baseball game.


They smuggle a bottle of into the ball park.


The game is real exciting

and they are enjoying themselves immensely...

mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.


Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone
and the game has a lot of innings to go.


Based on the given information, what inning is it

and how many players are on base?



Think!


Think some more!!




You're gonna love it


Answer: It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!