Late Night Jokes

If you get the chance come down and join author Andy R. Bunch and Illustrator Corey Pennington at Dulce Gelato next to Esther Short Park downtown Vancouver. We'll be signing "Suffering Rancor" and listening to live music as we drink coffee and kibitz (whatever that means.) We've been having great turn outs at every signing and even if you have a signed book its a great way to blow off the steam of a hard week. Did I mention the great Italian Ice-cream and Dulce Belle Baristas? There will be something there to tantalize all your senses. Ooohwah!

Jay Leno:
● Congratulations to President Obama and first lady Michelle. They celebrated their 17th wedding anniversary this week. After their anniversary dinner President Obama took Michelle back to the White House for a romantic evening, which is the first time since he took office that he has been able to close the deal.

● David Letterman was a victim of extortion this week. I also had the same problem recently. A producer from “Dateline NBC” tried to blackmail me, but luckily no one watches NBC.

Conan O'Brien:
● This weekend, President Obama is going to speak to the nation’s largest gay rights group, and members of the group are upset that he hasn’t kept his campaign promises to them. However, the gay rights group says all will be forgiven if Obama makes the speech shirtless.

● The 2009 Nobel Prize in physics has been awarded to three scientists: a 79-year-old, a 75-year-old, and an 85-year-old. They received the award for successfully programming a VCR.

● A cruise ship is going to retrace the path of the Titanic and will feature the original food and activities Titanic passengers took part in. The activities include sinking and drowning.

Late Show Top Ten:

Top Ten Signs You're Dealing With A Bad Cryonic Preservation Company

10. It's called "Cryonics 'N Things"
9. Cold storage room is kept at 74 degrees
8. At Christmas party, you find grandpa's head chilling the eggnog
7. Motto: "If we don't bring you back to life . . . what are you going to do about it?"
6. "State-of-the-art freezer" is an Igloo cooler in backseat of owner's Hyundai
5. Every now and then, the body of Karl Malden wakes up and eats someone
4. From inside the storage pods, you hear faint cries for help
3. Rated last in "Cryonic Preservation Weekly"
2. For fun, technicians dress bodies to reenact this week's "Mad Men"
1. Representative answers all your questions with "Huh?"

● The Supreme Court is in session for the new year. It was Sonia Sotomayor’s first day. They did a little rookie hazing — Justice Roberts glued her gavel to the desk.

Late Late with Craig Furgeson:
● The group Kiss has a new album out. Some people have never seen an album, so I’ll explain: It’s a flat vinyl disc that goes on a record player, and a toucan on the side of the record player drops his beak into the groove, and everyone dances the jitterbug.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

● Former “American Idol” judge Paula Abdul was in the audience of “Dancing with the Stars” last night. She was there because she’s homeless.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

● President Obama gave a talk to members of the House and Senate today about options for the war in Afghanistan. The title of his speech was “Any ideas? Cause I’ve got nothing.”

● A new study says that the city with the smartest residents in the U.S. is Raleigh, N.C., followed by San Francisco, Boston, and Minneapolis. The study ranked America’s smartest from one to 55. Fresno, Calif., came in 55th. The mayor of Fresno was like "That's great, but who came in last?”